A common exhortation in our churches is also one of the most difficult pieces of advice to put into practice: “You need someone to disciple you.”
Most Christians would agree. The trouble comes when we start asking practical questions. Who should disciple me? What should I look for in them? How do I know whether someone is worth following? What does a healthy discipleship relationship even look like?
When we speak of discipleship in broad terms without offering guidance on how to pursue it personally, we often leave sincere believers frustrated. Scripture provides an important starting point.
When Solomon died, his son Rehoboam succeeded him on the throne. Almost immediately, he faced a crisis. The people came to request relief from the heavy burdens imposed during Solomon’s reign. Rehoboam asked for three days to consider their appeal and sought counsel from two very different groups (1 Kings 12:1-15).
First, he consulted the older men who had served his father. Their advice was straightforward: serve the people, speak kindly to them, and they would become loyal servants. Then he consulted the young men with whom he had grown up. Their counsel was very different. They urged him to assert his authority, increase the burden, and demonstrate strength through harshness.
Most readers know how the story ends. Rehoboam rejected the elders’ counsel, embraced his peers’ counsel, and fractured the kingdom.
The tragedy is not that Rehoboam lacked good advice. Wisdom was available, yet he chose not to heed it.
That observation has profound implications for discipleship. The voices we choose to follow often reveal the desires we already have.
Rehoboam’s decision was ultimately moral before it was intellectual. He preferred counsel that aligned with the kind of king he wanted to be. That same temptation persists today. A person who values influence above faithfulness will naturally gravitate toward influential voices. A person who values success above holiness will seek out successful voices. A person who values comfort above obedience will find teachers who justify comfort.
Many Christians claim to desire spiritual growth, yet what they truly desire is validation.
This is why self-examination, bathed in prayer, is essential (Psalm 139:23-24).
Learning to Distinguish Spiritual Maturity from Cultural Success
Spiritual maturity and cultural success are often conflated.
We might be impressed by people who seem to have everything together. We admire competence, organization, confidence, financial stability, and influence. None of those qualities is inherently wrong. They may even reflect faithful stewardship. However, they are not reliable indicators of spiritual maturity.
A person may possess all those qualities yet remain spiritually shallow.
Pride often masquerades as confidence, just as self-discipline disguises self-reliance. If we’re not discerning, success can become little more than worldly achievement, wearing religious clothing.
Scripture teaches us to evaluate people differently.
Proverbs consistently emphasizes wisdom, humility, righteousness, teachability, and the fear of the Lord (Prov. 1:7; 9:10; 11:2). James describes heavenly wisdom as “pure, then peaceable, gentle, and easy to be intreated, full of mercy and good fruits” (James 3:17).
Those qualities rarely attract the same attention as charisma or accomplishment, yet they are the very qualities believers should seek in those who shape their lives.
The Most Important Thing to Look For
The wisdom literature offers us a compelling portrait of godly character, yet it also reminds us that no one perfectly embodies it. That is why I believe the most important characteristic to look for in a discipler is ongoing growth in Christlikeness.
Consider the Apostle Paul. Near the end of his ministry, after decades of faithful service, he wrote, “Not as though I had already attained, either were already perfect” (Phil. 3:12). Instead, he continued pressing toward Christ.
If Paul saw himself as a man still pursuing Christ, we should be cautious about looking for people who appear finished with the journey.
The best disciplers are rarely those who present themselves as experts. They are believers who remain humble, teachable, and eager to grow. Their love for Christ runs deeper than it did years ago. Their understanding of Scripture continues to mature. Their awareness of grace continues to expand.
Growth is evidence of life.
And growing Christians tend to produce growing Christians.
How Do I Ask Someone to Disciple Me?
Many people approach discipleship as though it begins with a formal request. Sometimes it does. More often, it develops through proximity.
Spend time with people you respect. Invite them for coffee. Share a meal. Ask questions. Observe their lives.
Listen carefully to how they speak about others. Watch how they respond to inconvenience, criticism, disappointment, and success.
Character has a way of revealing itself over time.
This pattern recurs throughout Scripture. Elisha followed Elijah (1 Kings 19:19-21). Timothy traveled with Paul (Acts 16:1-3). The disciples walked alongside Jesus (Mark 3:14). Biblical discipleship was rarely confined to a scheduled appointment. It was formed through shared life.
What Do Others See in You?
Every Christian needs a discipler.
Every Christian should also become the kind of person worth following — a believer marked by humility, teachability, and spiritual growth.
If someone spent time observing your life, what would they see? Would they find humility, teachability, and spiritual growth? Would they see a person pursuing Christ with increasing faithfulness?
The goal of discipleship is to become the kind of believer who helps others follow Jesus by growing in Christlikeness.
After all, the very qualities we seek in a discipler are the ones God intends to cultivate in us.
