This past year proved to be a difficult one for our church. We had two deacons, their wives, and our sound man all pass away. More than the roles they played at our church, we will miss the joy and life they brought to our congregation. I’m sure that you have had similar times at your church. If you are leading in ministry, it can be difficult to say goodbye to some of the most faithful people in your churches. However, we know that is part of what we sign up for when we serve in churches.
It can be challenging for those of us in leadership roles when we lose someone in our immediate circle. While I haven’t lost a spouse or child, my father passed away in 2010, right before his 62nd birthday. It wasn’t easy. We had moved beyond a simple father-son relationship to that of friends. His death was sudden and unexpected. It wrecked me and made it hard to serve. I made it through, but it was not easy. The emotions would hit at weird times. They came like waves, sometimes small and other times crashing over me.
If you are facing something similar or realize it might happen, let me share a few things that I learned along the way:
• Lean on your relationship with God. To be honest, I was a little mad at God when my father passed. My son was close to his teenage years, and I needed some fatherly advice. In addition, Dad had served God and others faithfully. It just didn’t make any sense. “Why him and not others?” That made it hard to lean on my relationship with God at first. However, we have to realize that our God is a God who understands and invites us to His comfort. Jesus lost his father. We don’t know when, but Joseph isn’t mentioned in Jesus’ ministry years. He experienced loss but continued to serve and lead. God is a source of strength and hope for all of us, and when we face pain, He is there for us. Don’t shut out God.
• Lean on others in your immediate circle. My wife, my mother, my brother, and a group of friends were invaluable during those months following my father’s passing. While they were all experiencing their own loss, their words of encouragement helped me work through my pain and helped me continue to serve at my church. Stories and laughter, shared through memories, can help ease sorrow. And while they are helping you, you are helping them. Family and friends are wonderful.
• Lean on your spiritual family. Allow your church family to live out the “one anothers” from Scripture. They want to show you love and care. God has designed the church to pray for one another, love one another, and encourage one another. Be open with them. A caring church will give you grace as you navigate your moments of loss. They may give you extra time off or even provide someone for you to talk with. Just like our biological families, God has placed us with our spiritual families for “times such as these.”
• Lean on professionals who can help. My wife is a mental health therapist, but I still carried around some of the prejudices of our day. “Seeing a counselor is only for the weak.” “You have to be crazy to see a counselor.” Let me say that those ideas are simply wrong. If you find the right mental health therapist, your time with them can be life-changing. A year after my father’s death, I knew I was still struggling. I decided to see a counselor, and he helped me work through my pain. Now, it is important to look for the right person as you seek counseling. Look for recommendations from people you trust, and find someone who makes room for your faith.
At the end of the day, if God has called you to serve, He will provide the strength and courage that you need, even when the days are dark. God uses the difficult days of our lives to shape us as we minister to our students and others. While our story never perfectly matches others’, our experiences help us understand the pain and loss others are experiencing. Even when it is hard, ask yourself, “What can God show me in the midst of this?”
If you are in the midst of loss right now and need a friend, reach out. You can contact me at info@StudentMinistryMatters.com. If you would simply like to share your story, join our Facebook group at Facebook.com/groups/StudentMinistryMattersCommunity.
